Healing

"We may find distant or avoidant partners alluring because their avoidance is a challenge for our ego …

We might find it more exciting to be caught up in a push-pull dynamic with someone than to say yes to love that is readily available and healthy for us.

The excitement comes from eroticizing rejection - It feeds that part of us that still feels like have something to prove.

Proves we’re lovable or worthy.

That we are so special that we can change someone’s mind or behaviour.

But that excitement you feel is also draining your energy and soul-sucking on so many levels.

When we abandon ourselves for someone who’s undeserving of our energy, our inner-child is usually hurting deeply and feeling afraid to be alone.

It's ok to walk away when your heart isn’t being cherished, honored or supported.

We're all going to have days where we show up as the worst version of ourselves.

But at the end of the day, we all deserve to be with someone who we know is in our corner.

Someone who loves us on the hard days and treats the relationship as sacred.

Any time we waste chasing someone to give us love, there’s an unmet internal need for love and nurturance toward our inner-child.

You don’t need someone else to reflect back your wounds without being willing to heal with you.

You don’t need someone to trigger all of your insecurities by treating you like an after-thought or avoiding intimacy.

It might feel unnatural to let go of this type of connection because you’re breaking a very old pattern…

… You might even find it “boring” to move towards love that doesn’t trigger you

Don’t worry, this doesn’t make you “crazy”, it means you really want to heal.

And to heal, you have to practice letting healthy love in.

Healing occurs as you sever your addictions to shadow relationships and move toward people who hold you in your highest light.

Healing comes from doing Self-acceptance work and making the relationship with YOU and your inner-child the number one relationship in your life.

And healing occurs from understanding yourself and your true nature in relationship."

- Rising Woman

Is it Assault or Kink Play?

Info given here is from the NCSF website on kink and assault. Having a solid grasp on the difference, both personally and legally, is very important and I would like to address what NCSF has spoken on and bring awareness so others may find this and perhaps learn something or share these resources to those that need it.

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1. It can be considered assault or sexual assault if...

•Your withdrawal of consent or safe word/safe sign is ignored and intimate activity continues.

•Your partner goes beyond the limits of what you agreed to do before you started.

•Your partner pressured, tricked,threatened or forced you into activities or a relationship you don’t really want.

2. My limits were violated, but everything else we’ve done was consensual –is it still assault?

It may be assault if any activity is done that goes beyond what you consented to, or your previously stated limits. Someone also might violate your consent though poor communication, misunderstanding, technical accidents, lack of knowledge, or lack of expertise. Errors, miscommunications and misunderstandings can occur if you don’t fully discuss the desires and limits of those involved, taking into account familiarity with each other and the activities planned.

3. Is it rape or criminal assault if I’ve had sex or done BDSM before with the person who violated my consent?

Even if you have done certain things with someone before, you have the legal right not to do those activities again.If you have done BDSM with someone before, you may both agree that tacit or ongoing consent to those particular activities exists until you withdraw consent. But legally you can always withdraw your consent, and if you withdraw consent to any activities or to a power exchange relationship then your partner has to stop.If you go to the police in this situation, whether there will be an arrest or criminal charges will not be entirely up to you.Police and prosecutors will make those decisions based on the specifics of the laws where you live, but also based on their judgment about how a jury would react to the facts and whether or not they think they can win the case.They may decide that they will not prosecute, but that is not the same thing as deciding that the violation didn't happen,or that it was okay.

4. If I don’t resist physically,does that mean it isn't rape or sexual assault?

Physical resistance is not always possible or safe. Victims often shut down in response to assault, emotionally and physically.It is still assault if you withdraw consent or safe word,but don’t physically resist.

5. I was drunk and/or my partner was drunk,does that mean it wasn't rape or criminal assault?

A person’s state of mental impairment is not a defense for committing assault. If you aren’t of sound mind, then you can’t consent to BDSM activities.If you can’t drive, you can’t consent. If you’re taking prescription medication which prohibits driving, then you can’t consent

6. Am I partially to blame if I said “yes” up until I said “no”?

Absolutely not. If a partner deliberately goes beyond what you agreed to, violates your limits, or continues an activity after you withdraw consent,then it is assault. Many people who have experienced rape, assault or abuse blame themselves, and that's a normal way to feel, but the person responsible for the harm that you suffered is the person who harmed you.When you are doing BDSM, it is the bottom’s ethical responsibility to be clear about limits and to communicate that consent is withdrawn, and it’s the top’s legal obligation, even if the bottom’s communication is not clear, to stop what is happening until consent is reaffirmed.

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The NCSF website has many more points on this topic and info regarding consent, abuse, and play. There is even a State-by-State Assault info page on their website, if you need to understand the laws around this topic. Remember that safe and consensual play is critical, and understanding what is being consented to, and with whom, and how is all part of the healthy communication needs of any kink/sexual play.

There is also a page on Dealing with Assault.

Sexual Health Aspects Part II: Our Ability in Adapting Sexually

Throughout our life our ability to adapt to change and shift into new ways of being and thinking are a key aspect of growth. This principle is no different sexually. If we are too ridged in our ways, inflexible and determined to stay within strict parameters we can miss out on a wide, colorful spectrum of experiences and fantasies. I explore here a few items that can usher in our adaptability in our sexual lives.

Life Circumstances

Life has a way of tossing us the unexpected at times. Stress from work, going back to school, a new child in the family (or even pet), and even taking on major projects can have a drastic decrease in sex and sexuality. Being aware that these sudden shifts can put a damper on sexy time helps, as awareness is one of the first steps towards resolution. If you are not having as much sensual/sexual connection as you would like, start by observing what has changed in your life or those of your partners world.

The Question of Age

Sex and sexuality evolve throughout our lives. For some people, the experience of decrease in sex drive happens with age. People who are in long-term relationships often find that their sexual activities, as well as interests and capabilities, change over time. You might get curious and see or read about something that you want to experiment with so the change can positive. On the flip-side, the realities of medical conditions have an impact of your sexual expression that is less desirable, both with yourself and with others.  Are you open to these changes? Are you willing to step into the unknown and explore? Is facing grief and loss of what was preventing space from developing into what may be? Adaptability requires facing the current reality just as it is and deciding from there what will or won’t work for you in a relationship, and this requires remarkable courage.

Adaptability is about recognizing and accepting that the people that I have connection with will necessarily evoke different things in us, and this may look different from another partner or partners. Once acknowledged, we can adapt to the reality of our loved ones by letting ourselves discern what this partner can bring out of us, by taking personal responsibility for staying in tune with the aspects of our sexuality that are central to us regardless of our partner, or by deciding that we need to move on to what it is we are seeking out in our connections, both intimately and sexually.

Couples Counseling and if it works or doesn't work

Many times couples may consider if couples therapy is right for them. Improving relationships, discovering rue meanings of how and why two individuals fall in love, and how love changes over the course of time is rewarding and beautiful to witness. Having said this, there is a few instances that need to be noted that couples therapy doesn’t always work.

When relationship counseling doesn’t work

When there is domestic violence as a part of the negative relationship patterns conducting therapy with safety and emotional honesty is not likely to be possible due to various reasons. Safety, trust, honesty, and respect are the vital cornerstones I hold as critical when moving into this work. While sometimes there are situations where the partner violence is infrequent or minor enough for me to work with the couple, I may recommend that they seek individual therapy (which I could provide to one member) to help stop the pattern of violence. This would be a high consideration before couples therapy and may be the critical piece to acknowledge if couples work will be effective or not.

I also seek to inquire about alcohol and drug use that may be present in the relationship. When one or more people in a relationship are having a hard time regulating their use of any substances (in other words, is there addictive patterns, or compulsive patterns that are present), that person’s relationship with the substance, shame, and the emotional and mental consequences of being under the influence have a high chance of getting in the way.

There can be a variety of other minor issues that can be present inside the relationship. This can get in the way of positive and healing treatment, and I am very honest about the limitations that are present in our work. My goal is not waste your valuable time, though acknowledging that treatment my take a while and may not look like much at first. Trusting in the process is critical at this point, but there are limits and I am happy to offer suggestions to individual therapists, or another couples therapist that may specialize in specific items you are seeking help in.

When relationship counseling does work

There are a few critical items that can highlight the success of the therapy for all members of the relationship. One of the key items I seek to understand first and foremost is the reason that you love and respect each other. If you can answer this question with ease and connection,  then the therapy has a very good chance of being effective. This base of respect and mutual appreciation, helps become the cornerstone for experiences of empathy, respect, honesty, and  kindness that can help replace the old patterns.

Another key element that I look for is a capacity for emotional self-regulation that is present in the relationship and the individuals. That is, the ability to slow reactions, to be curious about your partner’s meaning, and to acknowledge when you are too upset to be productive. Speaking is a skill. Listening is even more of a skill. My hope is to slow the process down and engage on a “speaking and listening” space, hearing not only what is being said, but how, and even why. It is these pauses and slowing processes that the biggest change and awareness takes place.

Finally, another key element for couples therapy is when both members of the couple are willing to make their own changes as well as acknowledge the changes that are being made. I seek to help couples to turn complaints about their partner’s behaviors into opportunities for the complaining partner to change. Once you are willing to make changes, I then open the door to introduce the communication tools and skills to help you make the changes you want to make to become the partner you want to be. This is usually done by helping each member redefine the pieces of their relationship in a way that they can both understand. It is vital that this part of the work is grounded and respected.

A final note: couples therapy does not always work out, even if everything is aligned properly and the individuals in the relationship are engaged and present. I offer a space for vulnerability and honesty, and sometimes that brings forth truths on where each individual is in their own reality as well as the relationships. Clarity and understanding can illuminate parts of the connection between lovers that are strong and supportive or bring forth an understanding that the time is now for moving apart. My hope is that whichever direction we go, it id done with love and compassion, as well as curiosity and understanding.

Sexual Health Aspects Part I: Consent

When I am working with both individuals and couples who are seeking out help with their language around sex and sexuality, I really focus on a few core aspects of how they see their relationship and their role in the relationship. It is a powerful dynamic to sit with in the room, as the understanding of these aspects that I list in this and coming posts come into awareness of the client.

Consent

The first aspect of working with relationship with another person, be it romantically, sexually, or in play, is consent and the levels of consent. Many people understand what the term “consent” refers to, but many do not understand the deeper space and levels that are important to keep in mind. The layers of consent are listed as Surface, Scene, and Deep consent.

Surface consent is the list of things you do and do not want to do. Being aware of the basics (no means no, yes means yes, etc) is the critical spot here. First level of consent can look like: “I am hungry”, “you are hungry”, “I like Moroccan food.” These acknowledgments doesn’t mean “I want to eat with you” or “you want Moroccan food”.

Scene consent is what is agreed upon at this time/moment of interaction, “what do I want today/now”, “what do you want?” We both agree that we want to have Moroccan food together. It is a lunch date!

Deep consent is understanding that negotiation may continue beyond the “now” and negotiated consent may change within a scene, or in an experience. Being aware of what is being said just as much as what is not being said is extremely important, as not everything will be verbal in the moment (body language, non-verbal cues that could be missed). It is murky, but critical in the consensual process to know what is being communicated, no matter who subtle or obfuscated it is Constant check in and awareness of sudden shifts and changes in self or partner(s) is what you want to explore throughout any given “scene” that is being created. In the middle of our lunch date, you have decided that you no longer are really hungry for Moroccan food, and decide to grab sushi. This decision could include me, or it could just be a solo outing you decide upon, ultimately just wanting to eat lunch alone after all.

Implicit Consent is the concept of you are at said space, therefore you agreed to it……
This is dangerous from a sexual perspective as it can be vague, misconstrued, and carried to an extreme. Fo example:

“you are at a sex party- therefore, you are open to my advances and consent to whatever happens in said space”
That is not what we want.

Explicit Consent is what precisely has been agreed upon/negotiated between people in the moment. Discuss what is not only physically safe but emotionally, socially, and mentally safe and communicated around needs/desires.

Ultimately, we want more explicit/deep and less implicit/surface consent when it comes to sensual/sexual interactions.

The Unknown Aspect of Consent: Aftercare

Aftercare is important in the process. Don’t overlook it! What worked, what didn’t work. This is your gut check to be aware of how that went, what came up, what is needed/wanted differently next time. Check in with each other!. Emotional vulnerability can be complex, and this space is important as an aware and compassionate partner (play or otherwise).

A good awareness is looking at social interactive power, and are you in a social space that allows for “yes” and “no” and the clear meaning/support of those two words and their empowered use? Check with yourself, check with your partner(s), and check with your environment to make sure safety and empowerment are present.

Sex Addiction - A different direction of treatment and labeling

So, in my practice I do work with individuals who come to me wanting to explore what they think of as “sex addiction.” This title, be it self imposed or given to them by a partner, their religious institute, or some website that they look up in desperation to try and understand what is happening to them is a bot misleading and not really the whole story. In short, my therapeutic views do not align with calling an individual an addict due to their sexual needs. The issue is way more complex than that. Everyone has different levels of sexual needs, and those levels can shift from time to time. If someone comes in saying that their sexual needs are a problem for them, I am more than willing to explore what they are seeing as the issue. My first course of action is to destigmatize one’s sexual desire and help them reorient back towards what I view as “compulsions” and “out of control sexual behavior” ( a good book to look at is Treating Out of Control Sexual Behavior: Rethinking Sex Addiction by Vigorito and Braun-Harvey)

One of the things I start out on in relation to working with clients who are seeking help is to do a in depth overview of their sexual understandings; both of their needs and their partners needs. This exploration usually gives a solid glimpse into the client’s actions, desires, needs, possible traumas, or what may be missing in their understanding of their sexuality and/or their relationship. It is never a quick and easy discovery, but one that allows the client to do a deep, personal exploration into their past and present education around what sex is, or what sex is not. From there we can establish solid healthy patterns of how to be in relationship with their own bodies as well as those they are having sexual connections with. My main goal is to avoid stigma and shame around sexual health, and normalize and find an equilibrium to the experiences that are happening both in and out of the bedroom.

The Subtle Art and Exploration of the Vasectomy

I am going to open up in a rare moment of vulnerability here and speak on a process that I just went through. Most likely will be a long read, but for me this is important. I have flipped back and forth all weekend trying to decide if I should share or not, and I have landed on the understanding that I should; as a man, as a sex therapist, and as an ally for the rights of women and their choice in their reproduction.

I had a vasectomy this past week, which has ended up being one of the most profound, deeply emotional experiences I have had. One of the reasons why I am exploring this here is that as a culture, we rarely hear of the male perspective of the process, what it entails, and what are the internal processes like. Much of what you read out there on the internet washes over it like it is a dentist appointment and tooth cleaning. In and out, over your lunch break. Conceptually, yes, it is that easy. Local numbing, a few cuts, and you are in and out in 30 minutes. What is not spoken on is the emotions that can/do come with self-selecting out of the gene pool of the human race. I am a single guy, no children, and almost 50, so not really planning the kid route at this point. My path towards my decision for self-selection into sterilization was mainly around the willingness to take responsibility for my choice not to have kids, and not burden any possible partner I will have for having to hold that choice for me. It is both freeing and constricting at the same time. Hard to define, yet very visceral in its emotional connection to who I am, as a biological animal who has a genetic drive to pass down my genes to offspring, like anyone else. A deep part of me did NOT want this process, the part of my being that resisted any way of cutting myself away from society in that way. Even the doctor doing the surgery commented on my body's will to stay intact was unlike anything he had witnessed before (it was a struggle to finish the surgery he said and had to fight my body at times). It has been something I have been holding space with for the past two days, doing a deep dive into new ways of knowing about myself, about the culture I have the privilege of making this choice where many women (and men at times) are no longer given that freedom to make a decision as I have. The decision to make an informed choice around one’s sexual/reproductive needs. This experience blew me wide open in the truths that yes, a choice like this is not a flippant thing, that what/when/how these choices are made should be the individual’s choice and informed by their medical professional to help them make sound decisions based on continued health.

The process was quick. Without going into extreme detail, you undress, they cover you up except the portion they will work on, the do a simple quick injection into the testicular skin to numb you up, and the incision is only about ½” long. As a whole, I laid there, staring into the ceiling tiles and they played music to help calm my nerves (happened to be Guardians of the Galaxy mix tape of 70’s rock). As a whole, I did not feel anything except for the deep tugging as they worked their way to get to the vas deferens. As a whole, this part was the most intense, as the nerves that run along that go into the abdomen, and straight into the CNS. The overwhelming intensity of the feeling there was hard to describe. It was pain, but a whole bodied, animalistic pain of survival, deep into my being. They cut the first one and while I did not feel it, my body understood. I felt a huge emotional wave come over me, almost bringing me to tears, which was quickly shifted to extreme nausea and a bit of dry heaving (no breakfast so nothing came up). It felt like someone had quickly tugged all of my internal organs out while kicking me in the groin. I broke out in sweat and did everything I could to hold that together. They paused, let me collect myself, cauterized one side, and did the same on the other. 30 minutes later, they stitch me up, I get dressed, and drive home to contemplate this.

Why am I sharing this? Perhaps it is to reflect on the fact that much of what we know of the process is glossed over. Even in my process, they knew I was military and treated me like I should be able to handle it. The vulnerability, the loss, the grief, the sorrow of now not being able to father, and even more the sadness of not having that capacity in my past became all too real. My present “me” felt sorrow for my past “me” and acknowledged with my future “me” that we will be alone in that regard now. This is what I chose, and yet, a part of me understands that there is something deeper in that choice. I will be reflecting on that for a while, but I acknowledge that I, as a man in our culture, get to have that choice without question. Almost that choice is celebrated in some ways. It was easy for the system to make it alongside me, rushing me towards this without a whole lot of second guessing and talking through it. I desperately wanted the doctor, the nurse, anyone to say “hey, are you sure? Do you honestly want this?” so I can reflect on the decision, but it felt rushed, like I was on an oiled slide headed into the process without a second glance. It took three months from the appointment setting to the actual appointment, and I wonder if that is ultimately long enough to sit with the decision. I don’t know. All I know is that this was my experience, and I am positive that others may have different ones.

What I also know is that we as men are not talking about this for some reason, we are not sharing honestly about our reproductive understanding, rights, and needs. Everything I learned out there about this process was about 50% of the story. That breaks my heart. It also breaks my heart to know my sisters out there are suffering in a system that destroys these choices for them as well, and silences them in the process. While I will never fully understand a women’s reproductive decisions that she will have to make, I do fully understand that it is her right to make those choices, much like it was my right to make mine, and share here. Do I regret the experience? No, but like I said, there is parts of my being that hold space for mourning the loss and capacity to be a father now. Maybe that ship sailed long ago, and I am now just catching up to the physical place in that reality. What are the aftereffects of the surgery like? Soreness, a bit of swelling, some bruising, not much in the way of physical issues, but the inner reflection of who I am now, what I have to offer, and what my role in our society is now is huge. As a sex therapist I now can speak from an informed place around decision making, or not, and how I have been able to hold it and process it for myself and perhaps that will give me some greater insight into the choices my clients make for themselves. At the very least my capacity to ally with these needs, both men and women, has become much deeper.

Thank you for reading this. It took a lot of courage to write these words down. Many of you don’t even really know me, so being able to say this and perhaps reach someone who may be asking the same thing of themselves or a partner is worth the exposure. I hope this reaches those that need to hear it.

Brief essay on my depth work on love and surrender.

I originally wrote this several years ago, yet I am feeling this deep dive is relevant again for myself as a reminder. I reminder of who I am and the work I am trying to accomplish, both personally and in my career. Just sharing it again so I can hold these lessons close, once again and do some healing. It is a long read, but worth it.

To surrender is, in many ways, an ultimate act of Love and presence, to let go of the preconceived notions that one must “rise above and beyond” another individual or situation. To surrender into the moment is a beautiful act of mindfulness, letting go of expectation and moving with the flow of the current in Life. I have found that such a truth in our world is often directly related to the energies that make up love and our ability to hold such energy within our lives. My own personal story of love, the acts of letting go, and the current state of my being in these explorations are to be examined as I sift through this process of mindfully loving, unconditionally, with my journey starting from within.

The ideas of being “In Love” or “Out of Love” is primarily a Western creation it seems, as noted by Robert Johnson who describes the essence of Love from his perspective as somewhat of a being, something that acts through us. It is this exploration of how the ego holds onto this idea of love, or loving, and forces us to act from what we think of as within our body. This action seems to take place as projections outside of oneself, placing the idea of our love onto another being. Johnson goes on to speak on this idea:

"when I say that “I love”, it is not I who love, but, in reality, Love who acts through me. Love not so much something I do as something that I am. Love is not a doing but a state of being – a relatedness, a connectedness to another mortal, an identification with her or him that simply flows within me and through me, independent of my intentions or my efforts.

Holding onto this idea as love being a “state of being” is a critical component in my personal research. It is this idea that I am exploring as I look at the ideas of surrender as a state of being. I feel that to fully understand and appreciate the depths of love in one’s Self, one must begin to realize the fundamental things that are preventing them from loving in the first place. It is this surrendering into that realization and acceptance of one’s personal growth in this life that will guide us into fully understanding these depths that lay within us, and in our need to connect with other human beings. In short, I reflect on Bateson’s ideas, much like Johnson’s, in that Love is a state of being, we Love not merely as an action, but as a reflection of our life as a whole.

The mindfulness approach that one creates in their gentle awareness of their everyday lives holds many answers to the struggles that one faces, the suffering that exists in our reality as we cling to old ways of living and understanding, which may not quite serve our needs in our modern day. Perhaps we can look at various cultures around the world and how they approach the act of loving another, discarding the labels of being “In Love” and fully accepting the presence of just “being Love”. Wade Davis explores the richness that is present within the cultures around the world through their personal connection with each other as well as the Earth. Perhaps it is within this cultural study that we can slowly start to realize that the many faces of Love can grow beyond just our Western idealization of its existence. Are the musings of infatuation or romance energies that obfuscate the realities of what Love actually brings? As a Westerner, are my perceptions of holding such images of what I think Love is something that is clumsy, misguided, or perhaps incomplete? I do acknowledge that the love that I have felt is strong, that over my years I have witnessed the true gifts of falling “in and out” of this love, not fully aware that these boundaries are quite self imposed. It is the subtle, or great, shifting of the ego that love helps transform, as the awakening of the ego so that it realizes there exists something outside of itself.

It is noted that within these boundaries of Love, we must return to the distinction of romantic love and human love, and how it is defined through looking back at the ego. Johnson mentions that romance, by its nature, must “deteriorate into the egotism”. In other words, this notion of romantic love is not directed at another human being, but at our own projections and fantasies, or more specific, directed at ourselves. Though in many ideas of Love, there is the focus of finding self Love as our true Love, I feel that this idea of romantic love is not what is being related to here. The notion that one can have romantic love for one’s Self is basically pushing the limits of narcissism, no longer acknowledging the need for the “other” inside the spectrum of loving.

To awaken and accept the Self with love, purely and without “need” or attachment, we can soon see how this learning of self-love can encompass the greater whole of “others” outside of oneself through a balancing act of awareness, presence, and compassion. It is also this awakening that leads to surrendering into these moments, surrendering the need to “make things work” within our relating with one another, and just be Love within the context of such relating. I am processing my own understanding of this within my life, as I move through a major shifting. It was my attachment to my own fantasies and projections of what “I” wanted, not what “we” needed.

Through this I learned that yes, suffering is optional, that my own perceptions of reality may not necessarily equate to what is actually happening, and even through the obscured lens of loss, I am finding a greater sense of compassion and acceptance for my own being, and ultimately, learning how to surrender and Love at greater depths. Such powerful lessons, while painful and difficult to move through, often hold critical amounts of information about our own needs in life, our own abilities to process the difficult moments and find an evolutionary step towards a healthier future. It is again this exploration of non-attachment and surrender, the letting go of the ego inside the complexity of heartbreak and finding true compassion for one’s self and for everyone.

I acknowledge the fact that what I am learning in this process of my journey through Love and my surrender to being present and allow Love to work through me is not perfect, and the ineffable force that we label as Love has just as many faces and ways of relating as there are people on this planet. I accept these realities that I am exploring as well as my own personal shortcomings, or what I see as learning potentials, as steps toward my own awakening, as well as a step in my own understanding of these energies so as to better help my clients as a therapist. If my understanding of Love and the world that it lives in is clouded, I perhaps am doing a disservice to those I directly serve.

The Awakened Man - words by Jeff Brown

The awakening man is conscious, heartfully defined. Through his eyes, being conscious is not a cerebral construct, nor an intellectual exercise bereft of feeling. It is a felt experience, an ever-expanding awareness that moves from the heart outward. It is feeling God, not thinking God. The new man is always in process, awakening through a deepening interface with the world of feeling. He continues to strive for a more heartfelt and inclusive awareness.

The awakening man has shifted his focus from a localized and ethnocentric perspective to a world-centric framework of perception. His community is humanity. Rooted in the relational, his sense of responsibility extends well beyond his localized self and community. Where possible, his choice-making is fuelled by an expansive vision of possibility for all of humankind. Not every man for himself, but every man for humanity.

The awakening man has reverence for the divine feminine, in all her forms. He celebrates the wonder that is woman. He is respectful, honouring and gracious. He is saddened by the horrors perpetuated against women by the malevolent masculine. He holds his brothers accountable. He makes amends for his own misdeeds. He co-creates a world where all women will feel safe to move about freely, to find their voice, to actualize their inherent magnificence. He welcomes a world where women and men stand as equal partners. Humankind.

The awakening man is not externally derived. He is authentically sourced. He does not compare himself to others. He does not adapt his personality to the dictates of the crowd. He stands in his own centre, respectful of others but not defined by them. He works diligently to liberate his consciousness from the egoic ties that bind. He has become his own benchmark, valuing authenticity over image. He is the sculptor of his own reality.

The awakening man courageously works on his emotional processes. He clears his emotional debris and sheds his armour. He faces his issues and unconscious patterns heart on. He calls himself on his self-avoidant tendencies and honours the wisdom at the heart of his pain. He communicates his feelings in a way that is respectful to others. He learns and speaks the language of the heart.

The awakening man leads a purpose-full existence. He has heard the call to a deeper life. Not satisfied with survival alone, his ambitions are rooted in higher considerations- the excavation and actualization of his sacred purpose. He is energized by his purpose, not by the machinations of the unhealthy ego. He is coated in an authenticity of purpose that sees through the veils to what really matters. His purpose is his path.

The awakening man is accountable for his actions and their effects. He does not deflect responsibility. He does not sidestep or blame. He is self-admitting and emotionally honest. He admits his errors, and makes amends. He works diligently in the deep within, crafting a more clarified awareness with every lesson.

The awakening man moves from the inside out. More interested in inner expansion than outer achievement, he cultivates and honours his intuition. He explores and develops his inner geography. He adventures deep within, integrating the treasures he excavates into his way of being. He seeks congruity between his inner life and his outer manifestation.

The awakening man seeks wholeness. He is not satisfied with a fragmented way of being. He has no attachment to archaic, linear notions of masculinity. He seeks a sacred balance between the healthy masculine and the healthy feminine. He seeks an inclusive way of being, one that reflects all of his archetypal aspects. He is role flexible, comfortable moving through life in many different ways.

The awakening man embodies the highest standard of integrity in his words and deeds. He makes a sustained effort to work through anything that is not integrity within him. His framework of integrity is never convenient or self-serving. He honours his word, even at his own expense. He moves from a value system that is unwaveringly incorruptible. He recognizes that success without integrity is karmically unsound and meaningless.

The awakening man prioritizes conscious relationship. He values authentic co-creation. He honours relationship as spiritual practice. He seeks physical intimacy that is deeply vulnerable and heartfully connective. He is attuned, engaged and healthily boundaried. When relational challenges arise, he courageously works through any obstructions to intimacy. He stands in the heartfire.

The awakening man is a warrior of the heart. He has taken his clarifying sword inward, cutting away everything that is not compassionate. After too many lifetimes with weapon in hand, a benevolent warrior is being birthed at the core of his being. He honours the warrior capacity for assertiveness, but he is not arbitrarily aggressive. He moves from love and compassion.

The awakening man endeavours to live in a state of perpetual gratitude. He is grateful for the gift of life. He is grateful for those ancestors who built the foundation that his expansion relies upon. He is grateful for those who encouraged him before he could encourage himself. He is grateful for those who stand beside him in this lifetime. He knows that he does not stand alone.

The awakening man is comfortable in his vulnerability. He participates in his own revealing. He is not afraid to surrender- to reality, to love, to truth. This is not a weakened form of surrender, but one that is emblazoned with courage. It takes more courage to surrender than to numb. He openly explores his capacities for receptivity and tenderness. He does not identify these capacities as distinctly feminine, but as whole human. He is strong enough at the core to live in a vast array of emotions.

The awakening man moves through the marketplace responsibly, with a vigilant eye to the ways of the unhealthy ego. He is not opportunistic in a vacuum. He does not compete for competition’s sake. He does not accumulate for the sake of accumulation. In charting his course, he is mindful of his impact on humanity. He is empowered but he does not exploit power. He derives his power from his connection to source, not from power over others. Where possible, he shares the abundance, gifting back to humanity. He works hard to bridge the world as it is with a world of divine possibility.

The awakening man has reverence for Mother Earth. He has reverence for animals. He never imagines himself superior or distinct from the natural world. He understands the interconnected and interdependent nature of reality. He knows that if he does damage to the environment, he does damage to himself. He walks carefully, with awareness, consciousness and appreciation.

The awakening man has no claims on God. His spirituality is tolerant, inclusive, respectful. He honours all paths to God, so long they are respectful of others. He accepts those who believe, and those who don’t. He condemns any path that uses religious differences as a justification for destruction.

The awakening man brings forward many of the qualities of the healthy masculine of old. He is noble. He is responsible. He is productive. He is kind-hearted. He is protective. He is unswervingly honourable. He is down to earth. He is sturdy. He is flexible. He is realistic. He is hopeful. He is sensitive, not fragile. He is healthily egoic, not self-centred. He is both practical and heightened at the same time. He ascends with both feet on the ground. He is really here.

-words by Jeff Brown