Couples Counseling and if it works or doesn't work

Many times couples may consider if couples therapy is right for them. Improving relationships, discovering rue meanings of how and why two individuals fall in love, and how love changes over the course of time is rewarding and beautiful to witness. Having said this, there is a few instances that need to be noted that couples therapy doesn’t always work.

When relationship counseling doesn’t work

When there is domestic violence as a part of the negative relationship patterns conducting therapy with safety and emotional honesty is not likely to be possible due to various reasons. Safety, trust, honesty, and respect are the vital cornerstones I hold as critical when moving into this work. While sometimes there are situations where the partner violence is infrequent or minor enough for me to work with the couple, I may recommend that they seek individual therapy (which I could provide to one member) to help stop the pattern of violence. This would be a high consideration before couples therapy and may be the critical piece to acknowledge if couples work will be effective or not.

I also seek to inquire about alcohol and drug use that may be present in the relationship. When one or more people in a relationship are having a hard time regulating their use of any substances (in other words, is there addictive patterns, or compulsive patterns that are present), that person’s relationship with the substance, shame, and the emotional and mental consequences of being under the influence have a high chance of getting in the way.

There can be a variety of other minor issues that can be present inside the relationship. This can get in the way of positive and healing treatment, and I am very honest about the limitations that are present in our work. My goal is not waste your valuable time, though acknowledging that treatment my take a while and may not look like much at first. Trusting in the process is critical at this point, but there are limits and I am happy to offer suggestions to individual therapists, or another couples therapist that may specialize in specific items you are seeking help in.

When relationship counseling does work

There are a few critical items that can highlight the success of the therapy for all members of the relationship. One of the key items I seek to understand first and foremost is the reason that you love and respect each other. If you can answer this question with ease and connection,  then the therapy has a very good chance of being effective. This base of respect and mutual appreciation, helps become the cornerstone for experiences of empathy, respect, honesty, and  kindness that can help replace the old patterns.

Another key element that I look for is a capacity for emotional self-regulation that is present in the relationship and the individuals. That is, the ability to slow reactions, to be curious about your partner’s meaning, and to acknowledge when you are too upset to be productive. Speaking is a skill. Listening is even more of a skill. My hope is to slow the process down and engage on a “speaking and listening” space, hearing not only what is being said, but how, and even why. It is these pauses and slowing processes that the biggest change and awareness takes place.

Finally, another key element for couples therapy is when both members of the couple are willing to make their own changes as well as acknowledge the changes that are being made. I seek to help couples to turn complaints about their partner’s behaviors into opportunities for the complaining partner to change. Once you are willing to make changes, I then open the door to introduce the communication tools and skills to help you make the changes you want to make to become the partner you want to be. This is usually done by helping each member redefine the pieces of their relationship in a way that they can both understand. It is vital that this part of the work is grounded and respected.

A final note: couples therapy does not always work out, even if everything is aligned properly and the individuals in the relationship are engaged and present. I offer a space for vulnerability and honesty, and sometimes that brings forth truths on where each individual is in their own reality as well as the relationships. Clarity and understanding can illuminate parts of the connection between lovers that are strong and supportive or bring forth an understanding that the time is now for moving apart. My hope is that whichever direction we go, it id done with love and compassion, as well as curiosity and understanding.