Mismatched Sex Drives: What It Really Means and How to Work Through It Together

Let’s face it: almost every couple goes through a phase where one partner wants sex more (or differently) than the other. It’s not broken. It’s not abnormal. It’s human.

But when mismatched sex drives go unspoken — or become a source of blame, shame, or resentment — intimacy suffers.

What Causes Desire Discrepancy?

Desire is deeply personal. It’s shaped by biology, life stress, past trauma, body image, emotional connection, hormonal shifts, and attachment styles. Sometimes, the differences are circumstantial (new job, parenting stress, mental health), and sometimes they’re embedded in deeper relational dynamics.

Common causes include:

• Stress and burnout

• Emotional disconnection

• Shame or trauma around sex

• Boredom or lack of erotic novelty

• Differences in turn-ons and erotic blueprints

• Medication or hormonal changes

The Most Common Dynamic: Pursuer vs. Withdrawer

In many relationships, one partner becomes the “initiator,” while the other becomes the one who avoids. This cycle builds frustration for one person and pressure for the other, reinforcing a painful loop.

Sex therapy can help couples break this pattern by creating space to:

• Talk about sex without blame or shutdown

• Understand the deeper emotions driving the dynamic

• Build emotional and erotic safety

• Explore new ways of connecting sexually (and non-sexually)

It’s Not About “Fixing” the Low-Desire Partner

Too often, the “low desire” partner gets pathologized. But desire isn’t a switch — it’s a system. And both partners have roles in understanding and shifting the dynamic.

Therapy explores how each person feels about closeness, pleasure, and vulnerability — and how to bridge those gaps, together.

Struggling with desire mismatch? Let’s talk.
I specialize in sex therapy for couples navigating mismatched libidos, intimacy blocks, and communication struggles. You’re not alone — and you don’t have to figure it out alone.