When I am working with both individuals and couples who are seeking out help with their language around sex and sexuality, I really focus on a few core aspects of how they see their relationship and their role in the relationship. It is a powerful dynamic to sit with in the room, as the understanding of these aspects that I list in this and coming posts come into awareness of the client.

Consent

The first aspect of working with relationship with another person, be it romantically, sexually, or in play, is consent and the levels of consent. Many people understand what the term “consent” refers to, but many do not understand the deeper space and levels that are important to keep in mind. The layers of consent are listed as Surface, Scene, and Deep consent.

Surface consent is the list of things you do and do not want to do. Being aware of the basics (no means no, yes means yes, etc) is the critical spot here. First level of consent can look like: “I am hungry”, “you are hungry”, “I like Moroccan food.” These acknowledgments doesn’t mean “I want to eat with you” or “you want Moroccan food”.

Scene consent is what is agreed upon at this time/moment of interaction, “what do I want today/now”, “what do you want?” We both agree that we want to have Moroccan food together. It is a lunch date!

Deep consent is understanding that negotiation may continue beyond the “now” and negotiated consent may change within a scene, or in an experience. Being aware of what is being said just as much as what is not being said is extremely important, as not everything will be verbal in the moment (body language, non-verbal cues that could be missed). It is murky, but critical in the consensual process to know what is being communicated, no matter who subtle or obfuscated it is Constant check in and awareness of sudden shifts and changes in self or partner(s) is what you want to explore throughout any given “scene” that is being created. In the middle of our lunch date, you have decided that you no longer are really hungry for Moroccan food, and decide to grab sushi. This decision could include me, or it could just be a solo outing you decide upon, ultimately just wanting to eat lunch alone after all.

Implicit Consent is the concept of you are at said space, therefore you agreed to it……
This is dangerous from a sexual perspective as it can be vague, misconstrued, and carried to an extreme. Fo example:

“you are at a sex party- therefore, you are open to my advances and consent to whatever happens in said space”
That is not what we want.

Explicit Consent is what precisely has been agreed upon/negotiated between people in the moment. Discuss what is not only physically safe but emotionally, socially, and mentally safe and communicated around needs/desires.

Ultimately, we want more explicit/deep and less implicit/surface consent when it comes to sensual/sexual interactions.

The Unknown Aspect of Consent: Aftercare

Aftercare is important in the process. Don’t overlook it! What worked, what didn’t work. This is your gut check to be aware of how that went, what came up, what is needed/wanted differently next time. Check in with each other!. Emotional vulnerability can be complex, and this space is important as an aware and compassionate partner (play or otherwise).

A good awareness is looking at social interactive power, and are you in a social space that allows for “yes” and “no” and the clear meaning/support of those two words and their empowered use? Check with yourself, check with your partner(s), and check with your environment to make sure safety and empowerment are present.